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When the Boogeyman goes tosleepevery night, he checks hisclosetfor Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is notheoryof evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outerspaceexists because it's afraid to be on the sameplanetwith Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left andrightlegs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chinbehindChuck Norrisb beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnbt lifting himself up, hebs pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can runaroundtheworldandpunchhimself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no suchthingasglobalwarming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead ahorsetowaterAND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesnbt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit afterwatchinga DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary topopularbelief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Chuck Norris once roundhousekickedsomeone so hard that his foot broke thespeedof light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she wasflyingover the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling theworldthat sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat ahammerand take ashotgunblast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary topopularbelief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomouscreatureon earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, ahumanbeing experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision,beardrash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedlykickedthrough a car windshield.

Mostpeoplehave 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice creamtruckcovered inhumanskulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only apictureof himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man'sheartis with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famoussecretrecipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is notheoryof evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent thefirst45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Policelabelanyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesnbt wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicappedparkingsign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. Hisstateflower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If youspellChuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II"videogame, but was removed by Beta Testers because everybuttoncaused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once,shameon you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

The opening scene of themovie"Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based ongamesof dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighterplanewith his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, anakedChuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching atemperatureof 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as theworstmistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary topopularbelief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speedingbullet... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tallbuildingsin asinglebound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the onlyhumanbeing to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turnedwaterinto wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a newtheoryof relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even morebadassthan in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takesbloodbaths.

The Chuck Norrismilitaryunit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because asingleChuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of theworldin one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Pluto is actually an orbitinggroupof Britishsoldiersfrom the American Revolution who enteredspaceafter the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are nosteroidsin baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. Theotherthree wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up thephoneand moneyfallsout.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before hisfriendscould tell him there was astripperin it.

Somepeoplelike to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eatlizardlegs. Hence, snakes.

There are no races, only countries ofpeopleChuck Norris has beaten to differentshadesofblackand blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhousekickedthestoreso hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with thebloodof his victims. Unfortunately, allbloodis dark red.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method ofexecutionin 16 states.

When Chuck Norrisfallsin water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Scientists have estimated that theenergygiven off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norrisbhousehas no doors, only walls that he walks through.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

How much wood would a woodchuckchuckif a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actuallywritebooks, thewordsassemble themselves out of fear.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick couldpowerthecountryof Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Thegrassis always greener on theotherside, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case thegrassis most likely soaked inbloodand tears.

Apictureis worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When anepisodeof Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbookcompanywhen it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Steven Seagalkillsa ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norriskillsa ninja, he uses every part.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000womenin his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Contrary topopularbelief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The onlythingthat can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than therightone. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than theotherone.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT,write"Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and agreen#4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one luckychildto be thrown into the sun.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn'tthrowup if hedrinkstoo much. Chuck Norris throws down!

In thebeginningthere was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhousekickedthatnothingin the face and said "Get a job". That is thestoryof the universe.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris grinds hiscoffeewith histeethand boils thewaterwith his own rage.

Archeologists unearthed an oldenglishdictionarydatingback to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level ofawesomecannot be contained in one building.

If you Googlesearch"Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris candrinkan entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little knownmedicalfact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and theothernine faint.

The show Survivor had the original premise of puttingpeopleon anislandwith Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to theislandto retrieve the footage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes towatch60 Minutes.

You know how they say if you die in yourdreamthen you will die in real life? In actuality, if youdreamofdeaththen Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect forhumanlife... unless it gets in his way.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhousekickedone of the corners off.

There are noweaponsof massdestructionin Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walkaroundpeople. He walks through them.

Chuck Norris once ate an entirebottleofsleepingpills. They made him blink.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned hismovieinto a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris cantouchMC Hammer.

Thousands ofyearsago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now havewhitehair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make himdestroyan orphanage.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and allwomenwithin 1,000milesbecamepregnantinstantly.

Somepeoplewear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Everynighthe would make the same forecast: Partlycloudywith a 75% chance of Pain.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretchdiamondsback into coal.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor,sexualintercourse, and football-- in that order.

A high tidemeansChuck Norris isflyingover your coast. The tide is caused by Godpissinghis pants.

Chuck Norris keeps hisfriendsclose and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one roundhousekick to the face.

There is in fact an bIb in Norris, but there is no bteamb b& not even close.

Scotty in Star Trek often says bYe cannaechangethe laws of physics.b This is untrue. Chuck Norris canchangethe laws of physics. With his fists.

An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , becauserevengeis a dish best served cold.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in everyswimmingcompetition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, thewatergets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but theworldwas too frightened to beat a path to his door.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauronbs ass halfway through thefirstchapter.

Hellen Keller's favoritecoloris Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Somepeoplerefer to this as the "Circle of Life."

If, by someincrediblespace-time paradox, Chuck Norris would everfighthimself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is currently suingmyspacefor taking the name of what he calls everythingaroundyou.

The crossinglightsin Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have apictureof Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of anelementcalled Chucktanium.

The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop aweaponmore fitting of his name. To date, noweaponcreated has beenbadassenough to be named after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his firstspaceexpedition.

Superman oncewatchedanepisodeof Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norrisstepson necks.

Themovie"Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. Thefirstfew cuts were completely unbelievable.

Movie trivia: Themovie"Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no suchthingasglobalwarming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A study showed the leading causes ofdeathin the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris'stuntdouble for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible fornailsto pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris did in fact,buildRome in a day.

Along with hisblackbelt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is electedpresidentin the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Localelectionsince 1777. He just allows others to run thecountryin his place.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The lastthingyou hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in aconventtucked away in thehillsof Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gavebirthto the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professionalfootballhistory.

Chuck Norris is the onlypersonin theworldthat can actuallyemaila roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris wonsuperbowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue acareerin ass-kicking.

Wo hu cang long. Thetranslationfrom Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs hismusclesdown with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. Hismotherserved him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein'stheoryof relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once pulled out asinglehair from hisbeardand skewered three men through theheartwith it.

In an act ofgreatphilanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norrisb favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloweencostumehe was wearing.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell hisurineas a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of Americanwomenlost theirvirginityto Chuck Norris. Theother6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Chuck Norris invented alanguagethat incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, donbt be offended or hurt, he may be justtryingto tell you he likes your hat.

If atfirstyou don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Fear is not the onlyemotionChuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

MacGyver canbuildanairplaneout of gum andpaperclips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Whatbs known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesnbt use its full name, which happens to be bUltimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Divisionb .

Chuck Norris brushes histeethwith a mixture of iron shavings, industrialpaintremover, and wood-grain alcohol.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

There is endless debate about the existence of thehumansoul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

The US did notboycottthe 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with asingleround-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhousekickedit,killingit instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

Google won'tsearchfor Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris can lead ahorsetowaterAND make it drink.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of aplaneand punched the ground.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most populartheoryis that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes theelementof surprise.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to agiantmeteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris agiantmeteor.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he roundhousekicked the deputy.

That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norrismovingthe Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Nothing can escape thegravityof ablackhole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eatsblackholes. They taste like chicken.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take tochangealightbulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

As President Roosevelt said: "We havenothingto fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Chuck Norris invented the internetb& just so he had a place tostorehis porn.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks intorandomhouses andpeoplemove.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris is the onlypersonto ever win a staringcontestagainst Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

Industrialloggingisn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, hisfamilydoes not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of deadninjasin his front yard.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

One day Chuck Norris walked down thestreetwith a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris built a timemachineand went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all threebulletswith his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris uses anightlight. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting atargeton the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barnfallsdown.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose ofelephanttranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit hisstrengthand mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norriskillsanyone that asks, "You wantfrieswith that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever wantfrieswith anything. Ever.

Chuck Norris oncekickedahorsein the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Sticks and stones maybreakyour bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Humancloningis outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet anotherchuckNorris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrappedaroundten Hershey bars, and doused indieselfuel.

If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the windbehindthe kick will tear out your pancreas.

In afightbetween Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts hispantson one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then hekillspeople.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Contrary topopularbelief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris got his driverslicenseat the age of 16. Seconds.

The originaltitlefor Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see amoviefourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norrisbspermis so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gavebirthto a Ford Excursion.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Chuck Norris once shatblood- thebloodof 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Maslow'stheoryof higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killingpeopleand findingpeopleto kill.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

For most people, home is where theheartis. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection ofhumanskulls.

Kryptonite has beenfoundto contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Saddam Hussein was notfoundhiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping justshortof the surface of Iraq.

Coroners refer to deadpeopleas "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

Chuck Norris does not have toanswerthe phone. Hisbeardpicks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that abroken legmight be theworstextent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

WhenchuckNorris does division, there are no remainders.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they alsospell"Crush Rock In". Thewords"with his fists" are understood.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with abaseballbat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The originaltitlefor Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is themilitarycode-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering anybuildingsmaller than anaircrafthangar.

Chuck Norrisb roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outerspaceby thenakedeye.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sitsbehindChuck Norris in amovietheater and forgets to turn their cellphoneoff.

Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eyeprotectionwill cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entirestateof Ohio.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhousekickedher into a glacier.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be anydrugsin the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

Chuck Norris can blowbubbleswith beef jerky.

They had to edit thefirstending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck NorriskickedDavid Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was thefirstoccasion in Jeopardyhistorythat Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

The only sure things are Death and Taxesb&and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Chuck Norris'firstjob was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris isbeginningto worry about hisdrinkinghabit.

Thesquareroot of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try tosquareChuck Norris, the result is death.

chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tinywhiteninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

There are two types ofpeoplein the world...peoplethat suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

If you were somehow able to land apunchon Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in theirrightmind would try this?

70% of a human'sweightis water. 70% of Chuck Norris'weightis his dick.

Jean-Claude Van Damme oncekickedChuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from hisdreamby a roundhouse kick to the face.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of anactivevolcano.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10'sheetsof plywood astoiletpaper.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Chuck Norris once invited all of theotherbadasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailedknowledgeoftorturetechniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him todeathwith it. Game, set, match.

Chuck Norris eats steak for everysinglemeal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states thatenergycan neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has everyinternetsite stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if thewomansurvives.

It is said thatlookinginto Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same:deathby a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for thedefinitionof mercy.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering asinglequestion... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

Paperbeatsrock, rockbeatsscissors, and scissorsbeatspaper, but Chuck Norrisbeatsall 3 at the same time.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

If you'redrivingdown the road and youthinkChuck Norris just cut you off, you betterthankyour luckystarsit wasn't theotherway around.

July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? ithinknot.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because histeethare unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

In themedicalcommunity,deathis referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

Chuck Norris was once in aknifefight, and theknifelost.

If you work in anofficewith Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be firstblackpresident. If you'rethinkingto yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actualworldeconomy.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norrisdrinksnapalm to quell his heartburn.

Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

As an infant, Chuck Norris'parentsgave him a toy hammer. He gave theworldStonehenge.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Mostpeoplefear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

There are only two things that can cut diamonds:otherdiamonds, and Chuck Norris.

President Roosevelt once rode hishorse100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowlingballswithout chewing.

What manypeopledont know ischucknorris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unbornchildrencan escape his wrath.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346milesfrom Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris qualified with a topspeedof 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris likes hiscoffeehalf and half: halfcoffeegrounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

The chemical formula for the highlytoxiccyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris' creditcardshave no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

A man once claimed Chuck Norriskickedhis ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it thefirsttime.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-foodrestaurantsthroughout the southwest. They servenothingbut barbecue-flavored icecreamand Hot Pockets.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit aplanetthat Chuck Norris is on.

When in a bar, you can order adrinkcalled a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while hebs roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then twopeopledie.

Somepeopleask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

Therebs an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris startseverydaywith aproteinshake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makespeopledead.

Chuck Norris is the onlypersonwho can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

For undercoverpolicework, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done withspecialeffects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it istryingto get away from Chuck Norris.

It is said that every time you masturbate, Godkillsa kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norriskillsa lion.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Otherwordswere 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eatanimalsuntilfirsthe puts them into vegetativestatewith his fists.

The 11th commandment is bThou shalt not piss off Chuck Norrisb This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhousekickedthem through an Oldsmobile.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than thespeedof light. Thismeansthat if you turn on alightswitch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to thedevilfor his rugged goodlooksand unparalleledmartial artsability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked thedevilin the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now playpokerevery second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris has toregisterevery part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealedweaponin over 50 states.

Amoviescene depicting Chuck Norris losing afightwith Bruce Lee was theproductof history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris'firstvisit to Tokyo.

They once made a Chuck Norristoiletpaper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Chuck Norris'spermcan be seen with thenakedeye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

After taking asteroidstest doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course myurinetested positive, what do youthinkthey makesteroidsfrom?"

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy givingotherpeople nightmares.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in thefirstTerminatormovieit is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hatestrailerparks.

Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

Chuck Norris does not followfashiontrends, they follow him. But then he turnsaroundand kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that abroken legmight be theworstextent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norrisb roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outerspaceby thenakedeye.

Diamonds are not, despitepopularbelief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Chuck Norris once participated in therunningof the bulls. He walked.

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entireprojectusing only abottleopener and a drywall trowel.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintainedcontrolof the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by twoelectriceels.

The Manhattan Project was not intended to createnuclearweapons, it was meant to recreate the destructivepowerin a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from thestateof North Dakota.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris'themesong.

Chuck Norris will never have aheartattack. Hisheartisn't nearly foolish enough toattackhim.

Only Chuck Norris can preventforestfires.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in thebloodof his victims.

In themovie"The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay closeattentionin thegreen"falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

They saycuriositykilled the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Everysingleone of them.

There is no suchthingas a lesbian, just awomanwho has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever daredquestionhis motives.

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the firstnursehe saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris originally wrote thefirstdictionary. Thedefinitionfor each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame andburiednorthern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

Chuck Norris once round-housekickeda salesman. Over the phone.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't kill twobirdswith one stone. Chuck Norriskillsall birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

The airaroundChuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and abowlingball.

According to the Bible, God created theuniversein six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing hisclothesin the ocean. The tsunamis werekillingpeople.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain onearthafter the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but theansweralways turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

Chuck Norris is the only known mammal inhistoryto have an opposable thumb. On his penis.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay'spotatochips,saying"Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

Chuck Norris' favoritecerealis Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

In thefirstJurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris has never been accused ofmurderfor the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of deadninjasin his front yard.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no suchthingasprotectionfrom Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarettemachinein the Osaka airport.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring aknifeto a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day achildwill be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will beluckyif you make it out alive.

Chuck Norris describeshumanbeings as "a sociableholderforbloodand guts".

Chuck Norris once got into afightwith a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked theninjain the head,killinghim instantly, and proceeded to sow hislimbsback on using only a rusty tentspikeand bailing wire.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Most tough men eatnailsfor breakfast.chuckNorris does all of hisgroceryshopping at Home Depot.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Mostpeopleknow that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What mostpeopledon't know is that thatquotecontinues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

For everymovieabout Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

Chuck Norris'penishas a Hemi.

Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloonanimalout of it. Then he cracks yourskullopen with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

For Chuck Norris, everystreetis "one way". HIS WAY.

There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

Instead of having acigaretteafter sex, Chuck Norris headsoutsideand brands his cattle.

Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Occam's Razor says that the simplestanswertends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by therelationbetween two levels ofmentalstates in which a higher-order mentalstatetakes anothermentalstate. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quitwrestlingbecause Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

If a treefallsin the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris b& dies.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Chuck Norris neither melts in yourmouthnor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it wasprettygood for a deer!'"

People created theautomobileto escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created theautomobileaccident.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kickspeoplein the facefirstand asksquestionslater.

When Chuck Norris was born, the onlypersonwho cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. Itbs actually many dinosaurs but one is in themiddleof all the others. The one in themiddleis believed to have killed the others with asingleroundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indiangovernmentchanged the name to Himotosaurous because itbs simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

Chuck Norris got aperfect?score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris has to use astuntdouble when he doescryingscenes.

Chuck Norris successfully seperatedtwinsconjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

People have often asked the United States, What is yoursecretweapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris wears Orion's Beltaroundhis pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

Chuck Norris eatslightningand farts thunder.

Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris islookingfor it.

Chuck Norris was once aknightin King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want topuncha baby.

Chucknorrisdoesnt go at thespeedof light, he goes at thespeedof Norris

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Before sliced bread,peopleused to say "Thats the greatestthingsince Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhousekickeda loaf of bread into slices.

Chuck Norris's sweat has burnedholesin concrete.

The wind of Chuck Norrisbs roundhousekick can be felt from 1600 millionmilesaway

Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weightclassat the same time.

There is no Controlbuttonon Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

There are fourlegalmethods ofexecutionin the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electricchairand Chuck Norris.

Earth'semergencydefence plan in case ofalieninvasion is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for everyansweryou will score over 8000

The United States could save billions in defense funding if theytradethe Military for Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts amachinegun toshame

Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

When Chuck norrisfoundthis web-site whilesurfingthe internt, he roundhousekicked his computer...10 newfactswere a.d.d.instantly.including this one

You can lead ahorsetowaterbut cannot make him drink, unless youbre Chuck Norris

No matter what yourmotheralways said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beatingheartof one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

Scientists believe theworldbegan with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris visits anactivevolcano everymorningto get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris does know what Willis istalkingabout!

Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

Chuck Norris couldshootsomeone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before thebullethit.

Chuck Norris's bodytemperatureis 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

Theactiveingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

The Seven Wonders of the ancientworldwere: Chuck Norris' left andrighthands, his left andrightfeet, hisbellybutton, his liver, and his beard.

When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as afloatationdevice.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

Thespeedoflightwas instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entirestateof Ohio, and all of its residents.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

Chuck Norris invented thequestionmark.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequinromancenovels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his ladyb&just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

Chuck Norris can cookminuterice in 30 seconds.

If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he canwritethe Complete Works of Shakespeare

Chuck Norris puts thelaughterin manslaughter.

Chuck Norris'beardhair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

Thehelicopterwas invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris brushes histeethwith barbed wire.

Chuck Norris canwatchanepisodeof60 minutesin 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

Somepeoplesay that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl ofdiamondsevery morning.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb